Clash of the classifieds

Brief: Please find me a house-move hauler for £10,000.

Peugeot Expert Tepee, £5995

Mitsubishi Delica, £6999

Max Adams: When moving, one ought to consult with an expert – a Peugeot Expert in this instance. It will be big enough to transport all the classy antique furniture James surely owns, plus it has a ramp to save everyone’s knees while they load and unload the vehicle. Also, there are always hidden expenses with house moves, so the spare £4000 is a welcome bonus.

Felix Page: I would be even keener to get into my new house had I driven there in that insipid lump of mediocrity. This is an exciting day, so James needs an exciting wagon like this retro but rugged Mitsubishi Delica. It’s essentially a bus-cum-van that can tackle the most dangerous of driveways, enabling James to relocate his whole brood (and the kitchen sink) to just about anywhere on the planet.

MA: I bet he would want to relocate very far away from those disgusting seat coverings! They’re giving me a migraine just looking at them. And a massive suspension lift is the last thing your back needs when you’re transporting a washing machine.

FP: I would rather leave my appliances behind than drive one. My Mitsubishi is an appreciating asset that James will be glad to keep on his fleet once he has settled in. Probably the only people who have ever appreciated your Expert are the groups of students who have piled into it at 3am.